Saturday, 3:00 A.M
Why do I wake exactly at three A.M? Why cloudy weather put me off? Yesterday was one of the most disappointing days of my life. I put so much effort on relationships and career but yesterday both crumble like hot cookies dipped in hot milk. It has been almost one week; I waited looking my cell phone to ring. Nor she nor the Project Manager called. Feels like God has failed to make an absolute universe he might intended or I am one of loopholes in his design.
Why things doesn’t work even if I put threshold effort for it. Why things have to cease the way they always do. I just don’t have any answer. I told her to share her thoughts, so that I could understand what is going inside her little brains. I guess, she was not convinced enough to even give it a thought. And, of a sudden the whole sweet memories start souring. Things that she didn’t even said, is now assumed. It had to end that’s what she said before hanging up. At that time I didn’t even realize the meaning of her words. After a while when I started comprehending, it was all gone. Ripped! Dear Lord, my world collapsed minutes before. This heart doesn’t understand what brains say to it. Of course, she has changed and left me in prime misery. All plans of future and electrifying emotions about her now seem hollow. Nothing seems real. It feels like living in a matrix where all emotions and actions are triggered by nothing but pieces of codes. She, of course a masterpiece of binary digits ever written by heavenly hands which define beauty as understood by my brains. Yes, atleast I could relate to her in this fashion. I know, I do make mistakes but I do continue learning. I have gone through different stages of emotions for her. Initially, I clenched her, so that no one could take her away. Rather, I wished I put her on Invisible mode on Yahoo Messenger! But grip do gets loosen up when I hold something too tight for too long. I took things for granted. As I felt her hand slipping away from me, I thought it is another paradigm of love. But I didn’t realize she was going away, never to come back again. I cajoled her hard but few imminent things never can be avoided. Especially, a women’s strong conviction. I know I will not find solace in any one else. I know no one else can cease my brain from thinking bizarre things as her hand on my head did. But, few things are important enough in life that I should not have it! I believe this is another paradigm of love. I should let her go.Why PM did not called me and interviewed for the project as she said?
Why PM’s nephew gets the project? I craved for this project like a child for her mother’s lap. I never felt this kind of disappointment. But, I am not rational in my judgment. I worked my ass off for this kind of grand opportunity. This could realize the dreams that I saw with her. Big will be a small word for the dreams we saw. But, she is no longer there in my life, this achievement, if I would have succeeded, surely, would be redundant. One failure has succeeded in failing and then justifying another. Since both extremely important things failed, now what is the meaning to life. I don’t hope any new hope from the God that failed.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Afterglow
3:00 AM
I don’t know. I don’t truly comprehend why I wake up with same thought in my head. That too exactly at three A.M, when bustling city of Hyderabad is deep in their dreams. It’s been ages since I dreamt. What I do comprehend, I am feeling strongest emotion human can ever feel, obviously ‘love’. Three A.M has significance, time mentioned in the Bible as, the time of struggle between Angels and Demons. Deep down inside I know Demons do win atleast, sometimes. As, this might reason out the long lull of communication between us.It’s has been five years since I heard of her. Still, she bothers me. It’s obviously late and sleepless, so I kept on thinking, lying on my bed. My thoughts swiftly wander, but only of her. It’s amazing to think how brain works. Same chemical reactions producing the same genre of thoughts about her every midnight at the exact time. Doesn’t matter how complex fluids inside the brain but it works just fine. God has his panache. I lit a cigarette, still thoughts pouring in my head. I went outside of the room, just not to disturb my roommate with odor of smoke. This action fulfills another purpose, see stars.I went for a stroll on the streets of Prakash Nagar to straighten my thoughts. Old habit of mine at times of confusion. As, I thought of stars, my rational brain found out the reason why I feel connected with her ; we are quantum entangled. If someone changes spin of one electron, spin of other electron also gets changed instantaneously if, we assume pair to be spin correlated and have same source; this proves we might be made up of same material of the same star! So, both electrons are connected as are we. Jokingly, Impressive enough to make a huge Bollywood blockbuster. As I pass by, I see people still in their dreams at half past four with absolute silence on the streets. They are satisfied.I sometimes get bored of my own thoughts. New thoughts don’t pop after sometime, so I decided to return. At my house, I only hear non-disturbing, innocuous squeaking of mice. They have their own ways to keep them busy, they too are satisfied. Have nothing to dabble which couldn’t disturb roommates, apart from thoughts. I decided, I had a long night, its time to sleep at dawn. But, my one thought doesn’t obey another; shockingly, I am still clinched into her thoughts. Thoughts about her slightly started ageing. It’s been five years now. Sleepy thoughts started conquering. While both equally important blocks of thought were in tug-of-war, I slept! While I was sleeping, unconsciously, I head someone calling. Her voice seemed very familiar, very sweet. Her voice might be a manifestation of mother Mary or maybe, her as I perceive. I can’t distinguish. Voice sopped with immense care and passion. Voice can’t be of her as she doesn’t know my co-ordinates. It can’t be mother Mary either as, I am not the anointed one. Lucidly dreaming in some form; still wondering while asleep. There is juggernaut compulsion of curiosity to see who is there. But, one part of mine still disagrees. Too tough to stand and see. Curiosity kills the cat. Rational beings have to follow previously stated argument. So, with all power that lies within me, I opened my eyes. I see brightest light emanating from gap between door and the wall. I saw my roommate, he doesn’t move. As if he is not concerned or he is dead. I lunged towards the door. She is standing right infront of me.
I don’t know. I don’t truly comprehend why I wake up with same thought in my head. That too exactly at three A.M, when bustling city of Hyderabad is deep in their dreams. It’s been ages since I dreamt. What I do comprehend, I am feeling strongest emotion human can ever feel, obviously ‘love’. Three A.M has significance, time mentioned in the Bible as, the time of struggle between Angels and Demons. Deep down inside I know Demons do win atleast, sometimes. As, this might reason out the long lull of communication between us.It’s has been five years since I heard of her. Still, she bothers me. It’s obviously late and sleepless, so I kept on thinking, lying on my bed. My thoughts swiftly wander, but only of her. It’s amazing to think how brain works. Same chemical reactions producing the same genre of thoughts about her every midnight at the exact time. Doesn’t matter how complex fluids inside the brain but it works just fine. God has his panache. I lit a cigarette, still thoughts pouring in my head. I went outside of the room, just not to disturb my roommate with odor of smoke. This action fulfills another purpose, see stars.I went for a stroll on the streets of Prakash Nagar to straighten my thoughts. Old habit of mine at times of confusion. As, I thought of stars, my rational brain found out the reason why I feel connected with her ; we are quantum entangled. If someone changes spin of one electron, spin of other electron also gets changed instantaneously if, we assume pair to be spin correlated and have same source; this proves we might be made up of same material of the same star! So, both electrons are connected as are we. Jokingly, Impressive enough to make a huge Bollywood blockbuster. As I pass by, I see people still in their dreams at half past four with absolute silence on the streets. They are satisfied.I sometimes get bored of my own thoughts. New thoughts don’t pop after sometime, so I decided to return. At my house, I only hear non-disturbing, innocuous squeaking of mice. They have their own ways to keep them busy, they too are satisfied. Have nothing to dabble which couldn’t disturb roommates, apart from thoughts. I decided, I had a long night, its time to sleep at dawn. But, my one thought doesn’t obey another; shockingly, I am still clinched into her thoughts. Thoughts about her slightly started ageing. It’s been five years now. Sleepy thoughts started conquering. While both equally important blocks of thought were in tug-of-war, I slept! While I was sleeping, unconsciously, I head someone calling. Her voice seemed very familiar, very sweet. Her voice might be a manifestation of mother Mary or maybe, her as I perceive. I can’t distinguish. Voice sopped with immense care and passion. Voice can’t be of her as she doesn’t know my co-ordinates. It can’t be mother Mary either as, I am not the anointed one. Lucidly dreaming in some form; still wondering while asleep. There is juggernaut compulsion of curiosity to see who is there. But, one part of mine still disagrees. Too tough to stand and see. Curiosity kills the cat. Rational beings have to follow previously stated argument. So, with all power that lies within me, I opened my eyes. I see brightest light emanating from gap between door and the wall. I saw my roommate, he doesn’t move. As if he is not concerned or he is dead. I lunged towards the door. She is standing right infront of me.
One Year
One year passed by,
battles fought and lost by,
heart sings its own lullaby in a room where no one passes by.
In deep melancholy amongst the winds,
he passed the mast with vigour,
couldn’t escape the fatal fate,winner takes it all, that’s his tale.
No heart with profound grief,
every witnessed nature’s disbelief,
from flint and stone he took off,
never to reach his final fate.
One year passed by,
battles fought and lost by,
heart sings its own lullaby in a room where no one passes by.
battles fought and lost by,
heart sings its own lullaby in a room where no one passes by.
In deep melancholy amongst the winds,
he passed the mast with vigour,
couldn’t escape the fatal fate,winner takes it all, that’s his tale.
No heart with profound grief,
every witnessed nature’s disbelief,
from flint and stone he took off,
never to reach his final fate.
One year passed by,
battles fought and lost by,
heart sings its own lullaby in a room where no one passes by.
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