Saturday, 3:00 A.M
Why do I wake exactly at three A.M? Why cloudy weather put me off? Yesterday was one of the most disappointing days of my life. I put so much effort on relationships and career but yesterday both crumble like hot cookies dipped in hot milk. It has been almost one week; I waited looking my cell phone to ring. Nor she nor the Project Manager called. Feels like God has failed to make an absolute universe he might intended or I am one of loopholes in his design.
Why things doesn’t work even if I put threshold effort for it. Why things have to cease the way they always do. I just don’t have any answer. I told her to share her thoughts, so that I could understand what is going inside her little brains. I guess, she was not convinced enough to even give it a thought. And, of a sudden the whole sweet memories start souring. Things that she didn’t even said, is now assumed. It had to end that’s what she said before hanging up. At that time I didn’t even realize the meaning of her words. After a while when I started comprehending, it was all gone. Ripped! Dear Lord, my world collapsed minutes before. This heart doesn’t understand what brains say to it. Of course, she has changed and left me in prime misery. All plans of future and electrifying emotions about her now seem hollow. Nothing seems real. It feels like living in a matrix where all emotions and actions are triggered by nothing but pieces of codes. She, of course a masterpiece of binary digits ever written by heavenly hands which define beauty as understood by my brains. Yes, atleast I could relate to her in this fashion. I know, I do make mistakes but I do continue learning. I have gone through different stages of emotions for her. Initially, I clenched her, so that no one could take her away. Rather, I wished I put her on Invisible mode on Yahoo Messenger! But grip do gets loosen up when I hold something too tight for too long. I took things for granted. As I felt her hand slipping away from me, I thought it is another paradigm of love. But I didn’t realize she was going away, never to come back again. I cajoled her hard but few imminent things never can be avoided. Especially, a women’s strong conviction. I know I will not find solace in any one else. I know no one else can cease my brain from thinking bizarre things as her hand on my head did. But, few things are important enough in life that I should not have it! I believe this is another paradigm of love. I should let her go.Why PM did not called me and interviewed for the project as she said?
Why PM’s nephew gets the project? I craved for this project like a child for her mother’s lap. I never felt this kind of disappointment. But, I am not rational in my judgment. I worked my ass off for this kind of grand opportunity. This could realize the dreams that I saw with her. Big will be a small word for the dreams we saw. But, she is no longer there in my life, this achievement, if I would have succeeded, surely, would be redundant. One failure has succeeded in failing and then justifying another. Since both extremely important things failed, now what is the meaning to life. I don’t hope any new hope from the God that failed.
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